Bars of the Solar System

Is it just me, or is a little unfair that Mars gets all the attention? Correcting that problem, The Centre Cannot Hold is pleased to present the other planetary candies of the solar system.

Mercury Bar – There’s not much to a Mercury Bar. Small, and quick to melt if you keep it in your hand too long (which is to say, longer than about two seconds). But for all that, it’s very crunchy while it lasts.

Venus Bar – An experiment to see how well the public would like chili oil-infused chocolate. The general consensus is that there was just a smidgen too much chili oil, and that reducing the amount of it by, say, 400%, would be an improvement.

Earth Bar – bland to the point that if it actually was made of dirt, it would actually be more strongly flavoured than it is.

Jupiter Bar – A big, fluffy bar, best known for the single raspberry found in each one.

Saturn Bar – Much like the Jupiter Bar, only without the raspberry and with a frosted sugar band around the outside of it.

Neptune Bar – Deep. Mysterious. Oddly salty.

Uranus Bar – Inevitably a problem to sell – as successive campaigns inviting the public to bite, suck or lick Uranus Bars never seemed to find the right audience. In recent years, the Uranus Bar has sold better in summer, when refrigerating it is an option: like revenge, it is best eaten cold.

Pluto Bar – The poorest selling and most unpopular bar in the line, right up until it was announced that it would be discontinued, at which point suddenly everyone loved it again. The Pluto Bar is slated to be revived as part of the new “Bite-sized” line, along with the Haumea Bar, the Eris Bar, the Ceres Bar, the Vesta Bar and the Makemake Bar, although probably not until its orbit again crosses that of Uranus.

Vulcan Bar – There is no Vulcan Bar. There never was a Vulcan Bar. This is not the Bar you’re looking for. The first rule of the Vulcan Bar is you do not talk about the Vulcan Bar. The Vulcan Bar has always been at war with Eastasia.

Leave a Reply

Log in here!